I knelt to say a prayer arousing the hope in my heart that the door
might just not be closed. In my attempt to reassure my faith, I would wrestle with
the choice of opening the closed door and the choice of remaining contented
that the opportunity had passed of going through that door. Was it really
closed? I would ask. Really? But there
was no one to answer back! The puzzle was all left for me to solve. I am a
genius; so I told myself! My ego and self will was so strong inside me that I
could optimistically prove any one wrong; that the closed door was open. How
paradoxical of me.
I could not imagine accepting any hint that acknowledged the door is
closed, not if it was coming from me, leave alone another person. There was no
thinking of the nature that if the closed door was actually closed it could be
opened. My mind was not permitted to stray to this limit. My faith prohibited
this. The closed door is open; I convinced myself. When the time to go through
it comes, I will only push it!
Suddenly a strange feeling
came upon me. I had never experienced it
before. Wait! I had experienced it before. Sorry! I had experienced something
similar before. I think that’s a more honest declaration! It was also not in my
dreams. It was real. No sooner had I been lost in my sea of my past than a new
wave of self worthlessness, low self esteem and inadequacy overwhelmed me. How
could past patterns of the closed door repeat themselves again? In prior
scenarios, the closed doors had not allowed me to pass. Didn’t I learn enough
to warn myself that even this closed door won’t give in to give me passage? Why
were all the doors closed just when I was so prepared to enter? I must be the
reason.
Lost in my will and broken, I would still insist; I need to crawl to
the closed door and make sure it’s closed. Hold on! I could hear voices. Were they
voices with statements of hope? I stilled myself to hear the message. In quietness,
their voices grew louder and louder. A quick, sharp, ruthless fear pierced my
heart and the almost last breath of hope I had, gushed out of me, as I slowly
internalized the meaning of their utterances. The door is closed.
Why then am I standing before the closed door? Why am I staring at the
closed door with self pity? Why am I still here? Gradually I began realizing
the extent of the damage I was causing to myself by worrying about the closed
door. The closed door is just that; the closed door! Soon, I will die here in
misery staring at the closed door. Its then I remembered the common statement:
“When
one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so
regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for
us.”
- Alexander Graham Bell -
- Alexander Graham Bell -
I realized then that I was so attached to my past which became my own
stumbling block. In the process I had lost so much of my time. I could not
account for it; staring at the closed door and wondering whether the closed
door will open. Moreover, I was emotionally drained and exhausted.
Letting go of my limited will and ego the LORD showed me how unlimited
and able He was. He even assured me how none of the past moments were in vain (1 Chronicles 17:8).
He had used them to refine me. He reminded me I am meant to progress. My
destiny is in the future and I must keep moving. Through the closed door? No.
He will open another door for me to have my way. The closed door is not the
end! There are rivers to cross, mountains to climb and lands to discover. You must keep on pressing forward!
He told me, next time a door closes in front of you, look upon me; I
will show you the other open door. Halleluyah. Paul knew this as he said
……but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]:
forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I
press on toward the goal to win…. Philippians 3:13-14
What
closed door are you staring at?
Hint:
the closed door is a relationship not meant to be.
1 comment:
Amen. He enables us to press on.
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