This is an interesting topic. It is worth considering if you want to follow God's will for it is written.“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).
I came across this interesting material which is available here and noted the following guidelines:
1. Realize you don’t have to date.
Much sexual temptation today is created by our social practice of coupling and isolating young people instead of doing what the Hebrew culture and many others have done—requiring that single people spend time together only in a context supervised by parents and other adults.
This structure of direct parental involvement and carefully overseen courtship has been the normal social structure; it is ours that is abnormal. In our culture, the unprecedented combination of young people‘s leisure time, money, transportation and being permitted to be alone for long hours and late at night—and the large gap between the average age of puberty and marriage—have proven overwhelming temptations to many, Christians included. (This is especially true in a culture that distorts teen sex, making it look romantic and healthy, when in fact it is usually unfulfilling, often emotionally devastating, and always morally wrong.)
Many people think that to be normal you have to date. But just because lots of other people do doesn‘t mean you have to. It‘s an option, not a need. With the upside comes the downside of definite risks and temptations. You can enjoy fun positive friendships with people of the opposite sex and be involved in all sorts of activities without coupling up with one person.
If you‘re interested in the case for courtship rather than dating, see the best-selling I Kissed Dating Goodbye, A New Attitude Toward Romance and Relationships by Joshua Harris (Multnomah, 1997).
If you do choose to date, the following guidelines can help you maintain a walk with God and guard your purity.
2. If you’re a Christian, only date Christians.
Dating is the path to marriage. You will not marry every person you date. But the person you marry will be someone you dated. Therefore every date is a potential mate. There is no such thing as ―just dating—you don‘t ―just bungee jump from a helicopter, or ―just fight on the front lines of a battle and you don‘t ―just date. It‘s too important to say ―just. Too much is at stake.
God says
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers . . . what fellowship can light have with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14).
Don‘t enter into any relationship that could compromise your convictions. The closer the relationship the greater the danger.
There are many contexts in which to do evangelism—dating isn‘t one of them. God doesn‘t call anyone to missionary dating. Far too much is at risk. For the same reason you wouldn‘t marry a non christian, you shouldn‘t date one. If you wouldn‘t eat poison mushrooms, don‘t put them on your plate. If that seems an unfair comparison to dating an unbeliever, reread 2 Corinthians 6:14.
If you wouldn‘t marry a person because they don‘t know Christ, that‘s a good enough reason not to date them. More young men and women are derailed from their walk with Christ by dating nonbelievers than anything else. The longer you allow a relationship to go on with a nonbeliever, the more cloudy your judgment will become and the more likely you will commit immorality and turn your back on the Lord in other ways. Convictions waver when we place ourselves in the realm of temptation. There is only one way to be sure you do not marry an unbeliever: never date an unbeliever.
3. If you’re a committed disciple, only date committed disciples. (And if you‘re not a committed disciple, why aren‘t you?)
It is necessary to date only Christians, but it is not sufficient. Many Christians lack moral fiber, convictions, maturity, and discipline. Just because a person is a Christian doesn‘t make him or her morally safe or a worthy partner. Let‘s face it—some Christians are still jerks, and a Christian jerk is still a jerk.
Don‘t expect perfection in the person you date. But do expect character and godliness. Don‘t date someone with spiritual problems or character deficiencies that would cause you not to marry them.
This assumes that you yourself are a growing Christian, that you are developing a strong character and strong convictions. If you‘re not a committed, growing disciple, then a committed, growing disciple shouldn‘t be dating you. Don‘t only think about being out of God‘s will if you date the wrong person—also think about whether someone else would be out of God‘s will dating you. The first key is being the right person, the second key is dating the right person.
4. Choose dates by character, not just appearance.
―The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7)
Appearances change over time. You‘ll find that out at your ten year and twenty year class reunions! But even in the short-run, a person who looks great at first glance but who lacks character and depth quickly becomes less attractive. A person with strong character quickly becomes more attractive. When we judge people by their appearances, often we turn out to be dead wrong—and meanwhile we may have made foolish choices.
5. Realize Christ is watching and is with you all evening—wherever you go and whatever you do.
He is watching you because he is omniscient. He is with you because he‘s omnipresent, but as a believer he is with you in a very special way—he indwells you, you are his holy temple. You are the holy of holies, the dwelling place of the Almighty:
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and join them to a prostitute (or anyone else in an immoral action)? Never! (1 Corinthians 6:15).
Since the Holy Spirit of God is within us, when we do evil with our bodies we bring God himself to the evil with us. This should be an unthinkable blasphemy for any Christian.
6. Realize where you go and who you go with will influence your sexual desires.
It‘s our nature to be influenced by our surroundings. When we put ourselves in a godly atmosphere with godly people, we are influenced toward godliness. When we put ourselves in an ungodly atmosphere with ungodly people we are influenced toward ungodliness.
”Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.‟ (I Corinthians 15:28)
”He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” (Proverbs 13:20)
”Stay away from the foolish man, because you will not find knowledge on his lips.” (Proverbs 14:7)
”. . . rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God . . . Have nothing to do with them.” (2 Timothy 3:4-5)
7. Realize your date is your brother or sister in Christ—not your “lover.”
Treat older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity (1 Timothy 5:2).
Don‘t go into dating with the goal of romance, but the goal of spending time with your brother or sister. When you begin a relationship, a rule of thumb is, don‘t do anything physically you wouldn‘t do with your brother or sister.
If a Christ-centered and positive relationship develops, then you might move to cautious displays of affection such as hand-holding. But be alert to the difference between appropriate affection and intimacy. You must stay safely back from the line where either one is propelled toward sexual intimacy. It‘s very hard to move back once you‘ve crossed a line—so don‘t cross it in the first place.
This person may end up being a lifelong friend, or married to your best friend. Don‘t do anything with him or her that would cause you to be embarrassed or self-conscious if you end up being best man or maid of honor at his wedding.
8. Focus on talk, not touch; conversation, not contact.
Dating is a time to explore minds and souls, not bodies. Treat your date as a subject to listen to and understand and appreciate, not an object to experiment with, conquer or satisfy your desires.
9. Avoid fast moving relationships and instant intimacy.
Pace your relationship. Take it step by step, don‘t go into a free fall. A car moving too fast is likely to swerve out of control when it hits a slick spot. Keep your foot near the brake. Don‘t let this relationship get out of control.
10. Plan the entire evening in advance, with no big gaps.
Gaps always get filled, often with temptations to sexual impurity. Know what you‘re doing and either stick with the plan or go somewhere safe, where you‘re in the sight of others (particularly others who respect the need for purity). You can still have a private conversation even in a room full of people. But their presence will encourage you to focus on the conversation rather than on temptation to impurity.
11. Avoid setups like the plague.
Setups include such things as being alone on a couch or in a car late at night or in a bedroom. (Stay out of each other‘s bedrooms!) Learn not to trust yourself too much. Psychologist Henry Brandt‘s teenage son asked him, ―Dad, don‘t you trust me? Brandt responded, ―Alone, late at night, in a car, with a girl? I don‘t trust me—why should I trust you?
Determine to stay away from the setup, rather than putting yourself in the setup and having to call on your convictions when your resistance is at its lowest, and you‘re most likely to give in. In the moment of strength, make decisions that will avoid temptation in the moment of weakness. When you‘re on a diet, don‘t step foot in a doughnut shop. In fact, don‘t even walk down the street the doughnut shop‘s on.
12. Be accountable to someone about your physical relationship.
This should be a committed brother or sister in Christ, usually the same gender as you. It should be someone who takes sexual purity seriously, someone with wise advice, who will pray for you and help hold you accountable to high standards.
Parents should talk openly with their children involved in dating relationships. They should go over these guidelines for purity and tell their kids, ―Because we love you and it‘s our job to protect you, from time to time we‘re going to ask you how you‘re doing in maintaining purity in your relationship.‖ It is not only a parent‘s right to ask such a question, but his responsibility.
We all need someone to be honest with us. It‘s a great help just to have someone ask you, ―How did it go last night? Did you honor the Lord? Did you maintain your purity? If you know someone‘s going to ask, it‘s a great motivator to choose wisely.
13. Pray together at the beginning and end of each date.
Commit the evening or day in advance to the Lord. Ask him to be pleased in everything you do. Plan to pray at the end of the date to thank him for the evening. If you know this prayer is coming, it will help you to be sure to control yourself and please God.
14. Imagine your parents and church leaders are watching you through the window.
Would that change how you behave? Then realize your life is not private, it‘s an open book to be seen by a watching world:
”What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs” (Luke 12:3).
Meditate on the fact that someone much more holy than your parents and church leaders, and to whom you are even more accountable, is watching you, even when you tell yourself you‘re alone. God is omniscient and omnipresent. He is the Audience of One:
”Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence. If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there." (Psalm 139:7-10)
”Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?” declares the LORD. ”Do not I fill heaven and earth?” (Jeremiah 23:23-24).
”The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good” (Proverbs 15:3).
”My eyes are on all their ways; they are not hidden from me, nor is their sin concealed from my eyes.” (Jeremiah 16:17)
God not only sees our actions, he knows our thoughts:
”You perceive my thoughts from afar. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.” (Psalm 139:2, 4)
”[God] knows the secrets of the heart.” (Psalm 44:21)
”I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind.” (Jeremiah 17:10)
In temptation our theology becomes very cloudy. The truth is, there is no such thing as a private moment. God is never in the dark. He is always watching. We may fool ourselves and others, but never God. He knows what we‘re thinking about and what we‘re doing. And it is his appraisal of our life that ultimately matters.
15. When you sense the temptation coming, before things start to get out of control, RUN
Flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18). When it comes to sexual temptation, it always pays to be a coward. In this battle, retreat is always the first line of defense. He who hesitates (and rationalizes) is lost. Joseph demonstrated this with Potiphar‘s wife:
”And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her . . . She caught him by his cloak and said, „Come to bed with me!‟ But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.” (Genesis 39:10, 12)
Joseph not only refused to go to bed with her but to ―even be with her. He saw the danger signs and avoided her. And when she finally pushed herself on him, he did not trust himself to stay where he was, but ran out of the house. Don‘t stay and try to ―resist temptation when you have the option of running from it. And don‘t choose to be near someone when that person is a source of temptation to you, or you are to her.
16. Write out your own standards and enforce them yourself—never depend on your date.
You as an individual are responsible and accountable to God for what you do (Romans 14:10-12; Corinthians 5:10). Someone else‘s convictions or lack of convictions, or self-control or lack of self-control is not the issue. (Though you should never be dating someone who lacks convictions and self-control). You are fully responsible for your behavior. If you fall into sexual immorality you have yourself to blame. Pointing the finger at someone else doesn‘t cut it.
17. Make your moral decisions in advance—not in the time of temptation.
If you set your alarm clock at night and tell yourself you‘ll decide in the morning whether you need to get up when the alarm goes off, you may as well not set it. Either you are committed to getting up or you‘re not. If it‘s left to your feelings in the moment of truth, you‘ll make the wrong decision. Again: in the moment of strength make choices that will serve you well in the moment of weakness.
18. Memorize Scripture on sexual purity and quote it when tempted.
I have hidden your Word in my heart that I might not sin against you (Psalm 119:11).
When Satan tempted him, Jesus quoted Scripture to resist. When the attacks come, and they will, be ready to take up the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (Ephesians 6:17). There are many Scripture passages in this handout. Choose some, then write each one on a note card and work on memorizing them.
19. Don’t do anything with your date you wouldn’t want someone else doing with your future mate.
Somewhere out there is the man or woman you‘re going to marry. What do you want them to be doing now with someone else? Then live by that standard yourself. ―Do to others as you would have them do to you (Luke 6:31).
20. Look out for the “moral wear down” of long dating relationships and long engagements.
It‘s easy to peak out emotionally, to wear down in the battle for sexual purity, to begin to rationalize that you‘re really a couple, and after all you‘ve been dating for years and maybe you think you‘re going to get married anyway, so you‘re ―almost or ―sort of married, right? Wrong. When it comes to the freedom to have sex there‘s just two kinds of people—the unmarried, who don‘t have that freedom, and the married, who do.
Don‘t get engaged until you can put the wedding in sight. When you‘re engaged people begin to treat you as no longer single, when in fact you are. You can be deceived into slipping into some of the privileges of marriage before marriage, especially sexual intimacy.
21. If you’ve violated some of these guidelines, confess, repent and implement a plan to prevent future violations.
When you confess and repent of your sins, God will cleanse you:
”As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12)
”If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)
A man once confessed to his priest, ―Father, forgive me for stealing a half load of hay last night . . . no, make it a whole load. The priest said, ―Which was it, a half load or a whole load? The man replied, ―Make it a whole load . . . I‘m going back tonight for the other half.
Confession is not genuine when you are planning to repeat the same sin. There must be true repentance.
Even if you are no longer a virgin you can and should commit yourself to secondary virginity—to remain sexually pure from this day forward, preserving yourself only for your marriage partner, should God choose to give you one. You need more than good intentions to maintain your purity—you need a plan. The plan you formulate may incorporate a number of elements we‘ve mentioned, but it should include avoidance and accountability. If you are committed to a relationship with a growing Christian discuss it honestly and formulate a plan to prevent falling back into premarital intimacy.
22. Be radical—do whatever it takes to guard your sexual purity.
When it comes to causes of sin, don‘t wait for them to taper off on their own (they never will), take decisive steps to cut them off. Consider Christ‘s powerful words in Matthew 5 (repeated in 18:8-9):
”You have heard that it was said, „Do not commit adultery.‟ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” (Matthew 5:27-30)
I believe Jesus uses this shocking picture to persuade his listeners to do whatever is necessary to deal with temptation. (The hand and eye are not the causes of sin, but the eye is a means of access for both godly input and temptation, and the hand an instrument of action, either sinful or righteous. What the eye looks at and the hand touches is what we must carefully govern to guard our purity.) Removing a television from a home, getting rid of a computer, or going out of your way to never walk by a magazine rack may appear drastic measures, but they‘re nothing compared to gouging out an eye or cutting off a hand! Jesus is teaching us that we need to think much more radically and counter—culturally in our efforts to be sexually pure.
Don‘t be casual or gradual, be decisive. If that means never going onto the Internet, never going into a video store, never being with a certain person, never listening to certain kinds of music, then make that resolution, no matter how radical or extreme it seems. (The Bible doesn‘t tell me I must watch TV or videos or send email—it does tell me I must guard my mind from impurity.) You might think ―I should be strong enough to resist this temptation,‖ but if you aren‘t, take every step to avoid it. If these things seem like crutches, fine—use whatever crutches you need to help you walk.
A Christian businessman who travels nearly every week told me his walk with God had been completely eroded because of one reason—he stayed in hotels and had a long history of failing to resist the temptation presented by the ―black box on top of the TV set, which kept enticing him to view pornographic movies.
After years of guilt and regret, followed by succumbing again and again to this same temptation, he finally changed his strategy. One day when he checked into a hotel, he said ―Please have the TV removed from my room.
When the desk clerk said, ―Sir, if you don‘t want to watch TV, just don‘t turn it on,‖ he replied, ―I‘m a paying customer, and I‘d like the television removed.‖ They sent in a maintenance man to remove it and he spent his late evenings reading Scripture and Christian books with no temptation toward viewing.
In the moment of strength he made a decision that kept him from temptation in the moment of weakness. He told me he has done this in every hotel he stays at for the last three years and said, ―This single action has revolutionized my Christian life.
If this means never being alone behind closed doors with your date, so be it. Do whatever it takes. Get creative, get radical, and do all you can to avoid temptation.
23. Count the cost of impurity.
Rehearse in advance the devastating consequences of sexual sin and you‘ll be less likely to commit it.
The consequences are serious and many of them are ongoing—losing your virginity, disappointing your Lord, being a bad example to family or friends, having in the future to tell someone you love; the strong possibility of unwanted pregnancy and serious sexually transmitted diseases; the mental images of your sexual sin that can plague you; the hindrances to marriage produced by premarital sex; the greater possibility of extramarital sex (adultery) among those who‘ve had premarital sex.
Remember that if you do commit the sin of fornication, that can never be neutralized by the greater sin of abortion. Premarital sex is a sin; pregnancy isn‘t a sin. Don‘t make a child pay the consequences for your wrong choice. Have the courage to make the right choice now.
Don‘t tell yourself you may as well go ahead and sin since God will forgive you anyway. This cheapens the grace of God. Any concept of grace that makes sin seem unimportant is not biblical. God forgives when we sincerely repent, but if we sincerely repent we will show it by taking necessary steps to avoid temptation. Even a forgiven person must deal with many consequences to his sin. If I get drunk, drive recklessly, run over a six year old girl and kill her, if I repent, God will forgive me. But his forgiveness will not bring the girl back to life, nor will it absolve me of legal and relational consequences of my sin. Sexual sin has lasting consequences—don‘t presume upon God‘s forgiveness to take them all away. He removes guilt, but he doesn‘t always remove consequences. That‘s just how life works.
Live in such a way as to hear your Lord say to you one day, ―Well done. Honor God by living in sexual purity. If you do, you‘ll experience his blessing and rewards not only today, tomorrow, and ten years from now, but throughout eternity.
“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. For what is man’s lot from God above, his heritage from the Almighty on high? Is it not ruin for the wicked, disaster for those who do wrong? Does he not see my ways and count my every step? If I have walked in falsehood or my foot has hurried after deceit—let God weigh me in honest scales and he will know that I am blameless—if my steps have turned from the path, if my heart has been led by my eyes, or if my hands have been defiled, then may others eat what I have sown, and may my crops be uprooted. If my heart has been enticed by a woman, or if I have lurked at my neighbor’s door, then may my wife grind another man’s grain, and may other men sleep with her. For that would have been shameful, a sin to be judged. It is a fire that burns to Destruction; it would have uprooted my harvest.” (Job 31:1-12)
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